Ten times Sirius Black's heart broke
by Shreyy95-MischiefManaged
Summary: Son. Brother. Marauder. Godfather. Prisoner. The story of Sirius Black told through a series of ten one-shots. Each recounting a heartbreak. Please R&R!
1. 1

**1**

'But, Mother! We were only climbing that tree in the park!'

'Sirius Orion Black! How dare you even visit that filthy place? With all the dirty, dangerous kind that exist around ther – '

'It's not dangerous Mother! The tree wasn't that tall. And I wasn't that good either. You should have seen Tracey, she was much better than me.'

'No filthy Muggle is _"better"_ than you, Sirius. Playing with Muggle brats! Such behaviour is not befitting of someone who belongs to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. Next I know, you'll be consorting with mudbloods and blood traitors. Go to your room immediately and you are to stay there for the next two weeks as punishment for going to that _"park" place_.'

'Bu – '

'NO! Do not answer back or I shall make it three weeks. Go now. Kreacher will bring to you your meals.'

Sirius made his way to his bedroom, head drooped down and shoulders hunched. He slumped down onto his bed. He was sure his mother was being like this because she wasn't there in the park. He was sure that she would care if she knew how pretty and funny Tracey was. Because he was sure he was in love with her. He knew he was too young – he was 8 and she was 7 but he was convinced that they would be engaged like Bella said she and Rodolphus Lestrange would be one day.

He thought of Tracey. She had long blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes, round like some of Cissy's old dolls. She had smiled at him.

It broke his heart to know that he would never see her again.


	2. 2

**2**

'Tarantallegra!' Bella screeched and he lost all control over his limbs as they began to flail about in a crazy dance. His attempts at trying to stop were rather pathetic and made her laugh more.

She turned around and said cruelly, 'There. That'll teach you to defend that cursed blood traitor.' and she left the room. Cissy followed her, an amused expression on her face.

So the twelve year old Black heir, having lost all dignity, simply continued dancing helplessly and uncontrollably next to the fire in the sitting room. Ever since he'd been sorted into Gryffindor, he had taken extra care to stay out of the way of his family. Well not Reg so much, but definitely his visiting cousins. On the rare occasions when he did come face to face with them, he had enough sense to keep his mouth shut.

But this time he couldn't stop himself from defending Andy, who had married Ted Tonks, a Muggle-born. Bella and Cissy were saying some really horrible things about her and he couldn't just continue to listen to them.

'Idiot!' he reprimanded himself too late for opening his mouth knowing full well what would happen if he did. 'Like I care anyway', he said to himself. 'My family can go to hell –I don't give a shit about them.'

He heard the door open and his mother and Reg coming back from their visit to Diagon Alley and he heaved a sigh of relief. He heard her order Reg to take good care of his new broomstick. He heard her come over to the sitting room, stand at the entrance, look at him and then shout, 'Kreacher! Take Reggie's new school trunk and equipment over to his room. And then bring me some tea in the library, I'm tired.'

Then she walked out.

There, starting to perspire heavily now by the fire in the sitting room, Sirius was overwhelmed by corrosive hatred and burning anger at his mother and another funny feeling. Being a teenage wizard, he would never admit it. But it was his heart breaking at the realisation that his family didn't care either. That they didn't give a shit about him either – that his own mother hated him and enjoyed watching him in humiliation and pain.


	3. 3

**AN: There's different theories of when this happened but I think it was before they became Animagi coz if it was after, they would be there in the first place and James wouldn't have any need of saving Severus.**

**3**

Sirius was pacing. Normal, you'd say, for any 14 year old, to be all angst filled and annoyed at everything else. But this time, he was angry and disgusted with himself.

He turned around abruptly and, emotions getting the better of him, punched the mirror on the wall. Bad idea, as his hand was bleeding and now hurt. He sat down on his bed and gingerly picked out the shards of mirror still stuck there, wincing slightly as they came out.

His best friend came in at that moment, looking the angriest Sirius had ever seen him. 'We can go see him now.' James said. 'Dumbledore's told him what happened I 'spect. I dunno if he wants to see you now but I guess you can come along and give him your side of the "I-used-your-lycanthropy-to-get-back-at-Snivellous" story.'

He turned and walked out. Sirius, glad that James was at least giving him a chance to apologize, followed him quietly to the Hospital Wing. Peter was already there and the three of them went in.

Remus was there, but he looked horrible. His scars ten times worse than usual. He looked knackered. Yet he looked up at them, smiled politely, accepted Sirius' apology (shocking the other three). He then excused himself, saying he needed to go back to sleep.

It was on his solitary walk back to the Gryffindor tower that Sirius' throat constricted and his eyes started to sting. Because the scratches on his hands were nothing compared to all the extra cuts on Remus that were there because of him. Because he realised that Remus, who always had a low opinion of himself, would never get angry at his friends because they were the only ones he'd ever had. Because he knew he'd been forgiven when he didn't deserve to be.

Remus was such a kind person and a great friend and Sirius, despite all his pretences, had proved himself to be the complete opposite. Chances were, he had lost the boys' trust forever and ruined his friendship with the only few people who had ever cared about him. He felt despicable and selfish – 'just like darling mother, I bet she's proud of me.' He stopped in the middle of an empty corridor and laughed bitterly.

His heart wasn't just breaking, it was being wrenched and ripped apart as he sank down on the floor and began to cry.


	4. 4

**4**

In the summer between his first and second year at Hogwarts, Sirius Black had bought a range of Gryffindor posters and banners. He had the store clerk do a Permanent Sticking charm on them. These were stuck all over his room, hiding the original green and silver of the wall. If you gave the interior of the room one look, you would be hard pressed to find anything about it that connected him to the people that lived outside his bedroom at Grimmauld Place.

But if you were observant enough – there amongst the many un-Black-like decorations, you could find a picture of two boys. Taken when Sirius was nine and Regulus, seven, this was one the few happy memories that Sirius had of his family.

Uncle Alphard had taken the boys, Bella, Cissy and Andy to a Quidditch game and then shopping at Diagon Alley. The picture showed the two brothers eating ice cream at Flortesque's.

One day, early in the summer holidays, Sirius was brooding in the library when he heard laughter. He turned around to see Bellatrix, Regulus and Narcissa running in. Bellatrix was an adult now, but still spent more time with Regulus than with Orion and Walburga whenever she visited. Right now she was laug-no-cackling, like a maniac.

'Did you see its face? Pathetic little squirt! "must be the allergies" Don't even think about magic, do they? Honestly, the Dark Lord is right – there's more filth than deserves to exist.' 'You're right!' Regulus said, looking at Bellatrix talking about her _"Master"_ with admiration and nodding.

Sirius blinked hard and clenched his fists. He felt like he was about to be sick. They had been Muggle-baiting and Regulus had enjoyed it. And he couldn't wait to join the "Dark Lord" by the looks of it. He felt bile rise in his throat.

The worst part was the admiring looks Regulus had been sending Bellatrix. Sirius used to be on the receiving end of those for being cool. But now Regulus, Reggie, was a Death Eater wannabe and didn't think Sirius was cool anymore.

Sirius had lost Regulus – the last link between him and his family.

It wasn't just his heart that broke that day. The picture of him and Regulus could also be found smashed and broken in the bin.


	5. 5

**5**

Everyone, right from Minerva McGonagall to tiny, first year midgets could guarantee that they had never seen Sirius Black show any emotion. Oh yes! Everyone had seen him angry, but crying? Nah! Amos Diggory, a seventh year was willing to bet his broomstick that even the Marauders hadn't seen Sirius Black cry and many people agreed with him.

But then came a day when the impossible happened.

The boys, who had finally become Animagi, waited under James' Invisibility Cloak. They saw Madam Pomfrey come out of the tunnel at the Willow and make her way back to the castle. They hurried in and went as fast as they could to find a very tense and apprehensive Remus Lupin on the other side muttering continuously.

He went on muttering till James shouted at him. He looked up at him. Their eyes met and Remus' widened as if suddenly realising something. He backed away frightened and whispered, 'You can't see me!'

Sirius was about to ask why they couldn't but Remus suddenly went rigid. The remaining Marauders transformed quickly, having practised it and been prepared for it. But nothing had prepared them for the sight that now met their eyes.

Remus, their friend, was shaking uncontrollably. The rat streaked and ran for cover while the stag tried digging his hooves into the shack floor, pained by the werewolf's helplessness. The dog was whining loudly.

Then the screaming started. And it was Remus screaming. Screaming as his body stretched and elongated. Screaming as his body became hairier. Screaming and whining as his face morphed. Soon the screaming turned into howling and Remus became the wolf.

The first time they stayed in the shack. The four boys woke up early the next morning. Remus was shaking again, this time from the cold. Sirius stood up and draped a cloak over him. The werewolf looked up at his friend and whispered 'Thank you.' but they all knew it wasn't just for the cloak.

'Hey!' Sirius said but his voice cracked. James Potter stared gobsmacked at his best friend as, for the first time ever, he saw tears flow down Sirius Black's face.

'What?' he asked dismissing his tears. 'You should be shocked with Moony, I am! You never told us how horrible it was for you.'

'But we'll make sure that it's not that bad anymore, won't we?' James added kindly and Remus smiled.

Then, simultaneously (though Peter needed a push), the four boys gathered and stood together. They didn't hug! How dare you suggest that the four, very manly, masculine men hugged? They gathered.

This time, his heart didn't exactly really break, but it swelled with so much contentment and happiness that he knew he'd never been this happy or satisfied before and probably would never be in the future. And standing there with the Marauders, he knew it was perfect.


	6. 6

**6**

James

'And now,' James said pacing in his living room. 'Dumbledore says we need to go into hiding. He's asked me and Lily to meet him at the Headquarters in about an hour. I guess Frank and Alice will be there too.'

He continued pacing, then realising it looked stupid, sat down opposite Sirius. Lily came in and sat down next to him, her head resting on his shoulder. He could feel her warmth and her hair, tickling his face.

Maybe it was the way she was leaning into him for comfort. Maybe it was because sitting down made him feel useless as compared to pacing. Maybe it was because Sirius hadn't said a word yet. But James felt like the walls were closing in on him. His hands were in his hair, pulling at it, frustrated. His eyes were screwed shut.

Lily

She patted his back, gently trying to calm him. She looked up at Sirius.

Now she had let go of Severus, come to accept and understand James, Remus and even little Pete. But Sirius Black was still an enigma to her. The loud, handsome Marauder always did the unexpected. There were so many things that she would have liked to know about him.

But at that moment, looking at him – his eyes and the emotion and the heartbreak in them, she realised that she didn't need to know anything. Because she was sure of one thing - he was loyal, to James and he loved him like a brother, and that was all she needed to know.

Sirius

Sirius saw James pulling his hair and get frustrated.

'Dammit Prongs! Not you!' he thought. Prongs was their ringleader, the anchor. The rest of the Marauders had had broken lives, but James, Prongs... he was the first of them to make a better life for himself outside Hogwarts.

And now this! This prophecy! A bunch of garbled words in a crystal ball had put his and his family's life in danger. Little Harry/Emily was in danger even before he/she was born. Why did this have to happen? Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lily looking at him.

But he looked at James, his heart breaking at his best friend's helplessness, the desperate look in his eye, the tremble in his hands. He knew what he had to do.

'Tell Dumbledore I'll be your Secret Keeper, Prongs. I'd rather die that betray you.'


	7. 7

**7**

'No, no, no, no!'

Reaching Godric's Hollow.

Pulling up in front of their home.

Seeing the ruin that was now there. Walking through where the door had been.

'NO!'

He tried to run forward, but his legs felt like they had tuned to jelly. They wobbled their way over to where HE lay and then gave in and he fell to the floor with a thump.

James was lying dead. Right there. Next to where he sat crumpled on the floor. His eyes wide with shock, mouth slightly open in horror and surprise, his hands and legs splayed on the floor, unnaturally and ungracefully.

He would have cried, but crying seemed like such a weak, ineffective thing to do right now. So he screamed, releasing all his anguish till his voice was gone, but the pain wasn't.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Sirius wanted to shake James, wake him up, then slap him silly for playing dead and scaring him. But he didn't. He couldn't. He couldn't touch him. How could he, knowing what he had done, dare touch him?

'You killed him', he told himself. 'You killed Prongs, and Lily and Harry. You made him switch Secret Keeper to Wormt- Pettigrew.' He growled at the thought of the traitor. He was going to hunt that rat down and kill it, even if it was the last thing he'd ever do.

Then he heard Hagrid. When he heard Harry was alive, he bounded up the stairs. His breath caught at the scene in front of him. Lily was dead; lying on the floor and behind her was Harry. Little Harry.

He tried taking Harry but Hagrid said he was acting on Dumbledore's orders so he backed off. Only a fool would try and stop Hagrid from doing something Dumbledore wanted him to do. He gave him his bike, assured that at least Harry would get to Dumbledore safely. And Hagrid, after trying to comfort him, left, flying on his motorcycle.

For what seemed like an eternity, he just stood there. The ruin of the house reflecting how he felt on the inside. Anger and guilt was coursing through him. He had to leave but he knew that there was one thing he needed to, he must do.

He walked over to James. Slowly, hand shaking uncontrollably, he straightened his cold, limp body out. Then, with the greatest effort possible, he did it - an action that would haunt him every night he would soon spend in Azkaban.

Gently, he closed James' eyes. A single tear ran down his cheek as he muttered, 'Mischief Managed, Prongs, Good night' – the best goodbye he could manage.

His heart, his mind, he himself was broken permanently then. He knew that things would never, ever be the same again. How could he have let this happen?

Suddenly he stood up, nothing but revenge on his mind as he walked out determinedly and disappeared with a crack.


	8. 8

**8**

He knocked. The door opened. Both men stood looking at each other briefly. Then Remus smiled, 'I was wondering if you'd ever decide to drop in, Padfoot. Come on in.' He welcomed him in and went to the kitchen.

Sirius walked in and froze. The place was... barren. Naked, sparse. The sofa was the same. The little table was a bit rickety. There were some books, though not as many as Remus would've liked. There was a shabby air to the place. Oh it was neat! It wouldn't belong to Remus Lupin if it wasn't neat. But the place itself looked depressing and miserable. He had a very bad feeling that the place had inherited it from its occupant.

Sirius had spent all his time in Azkaban ridden with guilt and anguish. He had failed Peter, who gave in to the Dark side with no one else to protect him. He had failed Regulus, who he didn't reach out to. He had failed Prongs, who had died because of him. He had failed Lily, who he had promised to protect. He had failed Harry, who had probably grown up hating his own godfather. He had failed himself. After all those years of swearing he'd never be like his family, he had made a rash decision and let his stupid ego fuel him into thinking he was right; he had ruined his own life.

Never once had he thought about how much Remus must have suffered. He hadn't tried standing in his shoes and seeing things his way. It wasn't necessary; now, standing in his apartment was enough.

'I'm sorry Moony' he said out loud.

'Don't be stupid.' He was so busy taking the room in that he didn't notice Remus walk in with a tea tray. 'Even Harry doesn't blame you for it.'

'That's not what I'm talking about.' said Sirius shaking his head. 'I'm sorry for not telling you about switching Secret Keepers. I'm sorry for suspecting you. I just – '

'Sirius stop! Save the corny stuff for when we get drunk. You haven't even had your tea yet.' Remus said with a smiled that told him all was forgiven.

Sirius smiled sheepishly in return. 'Fine Professor Moony.' He emphasised the title for humour.

Remus let out a bitter laugh. 'Honestly? A professor after what happened that night? Azkaban seems to have addled your brains after all!' He laughed some more and continued, this time self hatred evident in his voice, 'Should've seen it coming. A werewolf teaching kids? I'm glad I lasted a year, at least. Thought somebody would've figured it out sooner and kicked me out.'

Sirius looked from where he was drinking his tea. He remembered when he had shouted at Remus once, 'Shut up Moony! Forget the prejudiced gits. I swear one day I'll knock all that self-deprecating shit out of you!'

He heart broke once again as he realised he had failed Remus as well.


	9. 9

**AN: I had to include this moment but I struggled so much with it. I don't think I've done it quite the way I imagined it but I didn't want ot make it too long or angsty. Hope you guys like it. **

**9**

Sirius plunged his head into the heat. His head was spinning. It was the first time he had done it in a while and time, it seemed, had made him forget how unpleasant and nauseating the sensation was.

Then it was over and he opened his eyes. He was looking into his first real home. The Gryffindor Common Room looked as warm and welcoming as it always had been. For a moment, all he wanted to do was to walk up into the dorms and fall asleep. But he was here for something else.

Harry was sat on one of the seats by the fire. He looked miserable. Sirius wanted to call out to him. As if sensing Sirius' presence, Harry turned to fire at that moment. On seeing his godfather, he looked a bit shocked for a second but then he smiled.

He asked Sirius how he was, concern in his green eyes and Sirius was reminded of Lily and her doing the same thing many, many years ago. He shook his head. They weren't here for Sirius to waste time thinking about James and Lily. He had a duty to do.

'How are you?' he asked Harry. He was sure Harry would do a James and brush his problems away. But he talked. Talked about the Triwizard, the Skeeter woman and her article, his falling out with Ron and about the dragons. The emotions in him, which had obviously been bottled up for a long time, came pouring out. It broke Sirius' heart to realise how much pressure the kid was under, how much he had to worry about. While Sirius was glad that Harry wasn't holding back, he felt terrible. On some level he felt responsible for the heavy burden the boy had to carry.

He told Harry everything he could tell, giving him all the advice he could; about Moody, about Karkaroff, the Triwizard. He was about to get to the dragons when they heard someone coming and Harry forced him to leave.

'What about the dragons?' Sirius was freaking out as he came out of the other fireplace. He hoped against hope that Harry would find some way. Harry had looked desperate; he needed guidance and support.

'He also needs you, Prongs. But he doesn't have you.' he thought. 'I'll do my best. I promise.'


	10. 10

**AN: I tried to make the end as concise and emotive as I possibly could. If you have any suggestions of how it could be bettered, please PM me, I'll be glad to look into any possible improvements :D**

**10**

Sirius was stationed cleverly. He was in the awkward gap between the pitch and the stands which enabled him to see the maze closely but remain unnoticeable to the rest of the crowd that had gathered. He was close to dying of hyperventilation now. There was no word of what was happening inside and McGonagall, Moody and the crew patrolling outside looked confused and worried. He knew something had gone wrong and even Dumbledore looked tense.

Suddenly a blue light was shining to his right. And then Harry appeared, holding Diggory who was unconscious by the looks of it and the Cup. But those details didn't matter. What mattered was that even from where he was stood he could tell that Harry was injured. He tried going over to Harry but there was a hoard of people surrounding him. Many people were saying many things, all incomprehensible. There was panic in the air. The he heard a shout, 'Merlin, Diggory! Dumbledore! He's dead!' and it made him forget everything else.

He started barking loudly, biting at people's ankles to get to Harry. He felt something soft yet huge gently hit his head. It was Hagrid, who told him to go wait at his hut for further instructions from Dumbledore. He growled. He didn't want to but he knew Dumbledore knew best so he went.

Almost an hour later, he was left in the Headmaster's study by a shaky McGonagall. He turned back to his human form and started pacing. He kept pacing and pacing. Back and forth.

Then Harry came in supported by Dumbledore. Sirius knew something bad had happened. But Harry... for a second he felt like he was standing at the entrance to James' house, looking at his dead body, guilt coursing through him.

But in reality he was looking at Harry who looked broken – his leg was hurt, his face streaked with dirt and his eyes... they looked so much in pain and in shock that he felt they belonged to a different Harry.

Then Harry started talking about what had happened in the graveyard. Sirius sat, listening in shock. He was disgusted and pained by how much Harry had to go through; his heart breaking at the sight of his godson, at the tale of what he'd had to confront. By the time he finished, all Sirius wanted to do was to take him away from everything that he had to face, to make Harry and himself forget everything that had happened and then return and personally hunt down Wormtail and every other bastard who had dared to hurt Harry and make them pay for it.

Walking, or treading, to the Hospital Wing, Sirius swore that he would protect Harry with everything he had. Not for James, or for Lily, but for Harry. He would protect his godson from any further harm. Even if it meant dying for him. So, when almost a year later he fell through the Veil at the Ministry, his last thought was not just temporary relief that Harry and Remus and the rest of them were safe but a huge pang of regret that he wouldn't live to do his duty regarding Harry through the war.


	11. Almost

**The ones the almost made it to the list.**

Here are some times in Sirius' life I expect must have been really heartbreaking and terrible for him as well. But not as much as the ones that made it to the list.

Confronting Remus about his secret.

Running away from home.

His Uncle Alphard dying (he was the one who left him an inheritance)

Regulus' death

And for some reason, when Crookshanks jumps onto his chest to protect him against Harry and the fact that Harry blames him put together.

Thank you!


End file.
